Are You Relationship Ready?

So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene

and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?

Not necessarily.

So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says. You are adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.

How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics you need to have or acquire in order to be ready for true love?

There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to assess your present state of readiness.

1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.

You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them.

As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship.

If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support group.

An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.

2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?

If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain.

For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?

Can you state your most deeply held values?

Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?

Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?

Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?

Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.

How do you see yourself?

How do others see you?

Remember you present different selves:

at work

with family

with friends

in gatherings with acquaintances

If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.

3. Are your past relationships really in the past?

If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present and future relationships in order to relive and resolve them.

Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately with any significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional dynamics you may have contributed to.

If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then deal with that leftover issue.

4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?

We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for you.

Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.

Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and cannot live without.

You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.

Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before you enter into a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.

Are You Relationship Ready?   Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?   

Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married but I'm not happy. I just got divorced and I don't want to make the same mistake again. When will I find someone? It occurred to me recently that in order to be in a relationship that works, it's necessary to be ready to enter one. I know that sounds really simple, but if we look at our national divorce rate, you can see that it is not simple. In fact, I seriously doubt that many people consider their readiness for marriage or relationship of any sort. I think the average scenario goes something like this. He is attracted to how she looks. She is attracted to his energy and productivity. They start dating and eventually she thinks it might be a good idea to get married. He goes along because he is sure it's going to get him regular sex and then all their friends and relatives get excited about their wedding. They have a big celebration and then they start to realize there is more to marriage than living together. Please forgive me for the offensive simplification of this scenario. It is merely an illustration.

My awareness heightened when I began working with clients who were in a state of chaos. They were in various stages of post relationship survival. Their finances were in a shambles. Some were broken hearted, with no self-esteem, out of work, wondering what to do about their rent and utilities payments and seeking coaching about their relationships. Many, I think, were planning on having a new relationship rescue him/her from impending disaster. I started to think about parameters for readiness in relationship. What specific standards and status should be the baseline? What exactly constitutes readiness? What is definite is that nothing is definite. So where do we start?

First is desire. The desire to be part of something is manifested in relationship. You can't be "in" relationship unless you want to be. Partnership demands a serious time commitment, one on one conversations, planning, dating, socializing, compromising, making love, having sex, playing, working, sleeping, having children and raising them, shopping, cleaning house. Granted, some of these things you would do even if you were not in relationship. However, once you are seriously committed, as in living together, every one of the above -mentioned tasks involves agreement and participation by both partners.

Even prior to living together, finding someone you are willing to try being in relationship with is practically a full time job. So many of the people that I talk with in my work, tell me, I just don't have the energy to go through the process of dating and getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable being authentic and intimate. Don't you agree that many people settle for what they have, even if unsatisfying, because it's just too much work to change it?

Those that I have coached all the way to marriage and beyond have been serious about getting married. They wanted it, they were willing to do whatever it takes to find and enroll the right partner. They also do whatever it takes to maintain the level of passion and intimacy, production and appetite that are necessary to sustain a healthy, vibrant, satisfying relationship. In other words, they do not assume that once you are in a "marriage" or "committed relationship" that IT will take care of itself.

One seemingly unrelated concept that has forever been an annoyance has to do with loan applications. Bear with me on this. Whenever you submit a loan or credit application, the first response of the lender is to check your credit and your financial picture. If it appears that you need money for any reason, the likelihood of approval for financing is almost nil. However, if you appear financially stable with plenty of unused credit and a steady job and money in savings, every financial institution is clamoring to lend you money. So how does this relate?

It is my opinion, that love and relationship operate in the same way. Let's say you go to the love bank and ask for a boyfriend/girlfriend, a serious one perhaps leading to marriage. The love bank manager takes a look at you and says. You work too much, you spend all of your money, your credit cards are maxed-out, you have diminished self esteem and a broken heart from the last one, you're physically and emotionally bankrupt, and you don't trust anyone. REJECTED!!! Now, you are really in need of someone to save you so you continue looking at all of the B and C rated love lenders, bars, pick up joints, work, internet dating services, personal ads until you find someone who is as needy as you are. You need someone to rebuild your self-esteem and reassure you that you are indeed lovable.

WRONG!!!!!

Although I have never been fond of credit reporting agencies and the use of their information by lending institutions, there is some validity in their strategy that is applicable to relationship coaching. In order to be ready for a serious relationship, one must achieve the following:

1. Desire to be in relationship

2. Self - esteem. Know that you are attractive and have something to offer another person.

3. Financial stability. At least enough income to take care of your housing and basic needs and minimal credit card debt.

4. Work. A job that satisfies some of your achievement needs.

5. Vulnerability. Enough healing that you are able to share your authentic self with this person.

6. Love. An abundance for yourself with enough left over to share with another person.

I am not saying that you must be in perfect shape. What I am saying, however, is that you will attract a person who is your balance, someone who has the same or different issues in the same proportions. If you are needy, you will attract neediness. If you have intimacy issues you will attract someone who is shut down. So it is in your best interests to undertake a personal redevelopment plan prior to looking for a relationship. Be the best you that you can be to offer to another person. This seems to be a great way to start the new year. Funny, how it usually happens that someone who has been taking extraordinary care of themselves and not looking for a relationship suddenly finds him/herself in love.

Relationship coaching is life coaching. Life becomes extraordinary when we discover that being absolutely committed to taking care of ourselves, leads to abundance in every aspect of our lives.

Are You Relationship Ready?   Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?   

Why You Have the Right to Choose to Think

Sexuality is a fundamental part of being human and alive. It is powerful, even in its distortion it carves our lives in the same way that flowing water engraves the planet. As we struggle to harness hydropower for its best use, so it is with our sexuality (in the best cases). This is not a result of some philosophical hiatus; it is the effect of day-to-day choices. So is it really so arduous to accept that thinking humans should view their choices around sexuality in a larger context?

Take honor for instance. Honor and its sister Integrity are issues normally presented as side dishes on the buffet of religious dogma, untimely asides to the cornucopia associated with sexual bliss. I often wonder why this happens. Am I the only one who feels these issues are essential to an individual really being attractive enough to be considered sexy? To me, this means going beyond the (dehumanizing) objectification of persons towards (humanizing) evaluation, to place "sexiness" in a holistic framework. How can the presence or absence of the substances which make us really human be regarded as "irrelevant"?

In my own experience with human services, I have witnessed levels of denial that boggle the mind. For me, the cold water in the face has been to see actions, even among health educators specializing in STD/HIV prevention, that totally contradict the prevention-based behaviors they advocate publicly. If love is what you do not what you say, then I hold that the same applies to who you are...and who you will be. Who we are is the result of accumulated choices. The right to choose for women, however, is usually thought of in terms of termination of pregnancy. Yet, the power of freedom to choose can serve us as women, but only if we view it in extended terms. The right to choose needs to begin with a number of fundamental issues that we really think about. This should mean thinking in searching ways about partner selection and thinking about consequences, irrespective of the socially hyped up emphasis on sexuality as being only about "feeling", an emphasis that makes us ignore the effects of sexual stimulation and feeling with regard to, for example, integrity, procreation, or STD transmission.

The right to choose in the sexual arena begins with partner selection, and whether there will be one at all. The reality that between 34-46 million people are living with HIV/AIDS indicates the truth about people's choices, despite what many would claim about how they live and who they are. Globally there were between 4.2-5.8 million people newly infected in 2003, so there are definitely some people to whom what I am discussing here is very relevant.

Among my friends, one of the consistent patterns I have witnessed in their relationships is the total lack of thinking about partner selection, even when offspring was the result. It seems that time and again people settle for less and then wonder why they don't get more. The extreme consequences of disconnecting judgment from sexuality seem so obvious that I am amazed that the patriarchal myths still have so much influence. I blame this largely on the trend of making thinking "unsexy". Commercials, mainstream movies, television, music, and the deluge of input from the Internet are all mission-driven to titillate by employing the most superficial elucidation which, combined with the passive acceptance of the audience, almost invites the spoon feeding of skewed truths. It is an attempt to package sexuality in terms of everything that is superficial, involving only surface seeing, feeling, and experiences.

Ironically, many of the purveyors of pleasure and everything that's supposed to be hedonistic and liberating end up echoing the usual divisions between the "serious" and the non-serious, between thinking and feeling, between thought and pleasure. One of the most obvious manifestations of this has been the elevation of celebrities to demi-gods. Would everyone cease knowing how to dress themselves, without celebrity wardrobes to mimic? Would we stop knowing what it means to have fun, to find and achieve sexual pleasure, without advertising? Would we have no idea of how to relate to each other, or how to choose not to relate, if that is where our sense and instincts lead us? I for one, think we'd all manage just fine. Think how many emotional calamities (romantic and otherwise) could be avoided if issues that are so often defined as "non-sexual" (integrity, honor, political judgment) were a part of the sexual evaluation criteria.

It may seem like an unfashionable thing to talk about, but I will continue to point to this truth...Thinking is sexy. Which makes issues like honor, integrity, and politics sexy, too. All those repressive ideas that pigeonhole human experiences into what is fun and what is staid are actually the heart of the idea that thinking is "unsexy". Waking up to that may make us realize just how much the dominant myths about "pure feeling and pleasure" are based on distortions and disconnects that are far from fashionable.

Are You Relationship Ready?   Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?   

Why You Have the Right to Choose to Think

Sexuality is a fundamental part of being human and alive. It is powerful, even in its distortion it carves our lives in the same way that flowing water engraves the planet. As we struggle to harness hydropower for its best use, so it is with our sexuality (in the best cases). This is not a result of some philosophical hiatus; it is the effect of day-to-day choices. So is it really so arduous to accept that thinking humans should view their choices around sexuality in a larger context?

Take honor for instance. Honor and its sister Integrity are issues normally presented as side dishes on the buffet of religious dogma, untimely asides to the cornucopia associated with sexual bliss. I often wonder why this happens. Am I the only one who feels these issues are essential to an individual really being attractive enough to be considered sexy? To me, this means going beyond the (dehumanizing) objectification of persons towards (humanizing) evaluation, to place "sexiness" in a holistic framework. How can the presence or absence of the substances which make us really human be regarded as "irrelevant"?

In my own experience with human services, I have witnessed levels of denial that boggle the mind. For me, the cold water in the face has been to see actions, even among health educators specializing in STD/HIV prevention, that totally contradict the prevention-based behaviors they advocate publicly. If love is what you do not what you say, then I hold that the same applies to who you are...and who you will be. Who we are is the result of accumulated choices. The right to choose for women, however, is usually thought of in terms of termination of pregnancy. Yet, the power of freedom to choose can serve us as women, but only if we view it in extended terms. The right to choose needs to begin with a number of fundamental issues that we really think about. This should mean thinking in searching ways about partner selection and thinking about consequences, irrespective of the socially hyped up emphasis on sexuality as being only about "feeling", an emphasis that makes us ignore the effects of sexual stimulation and feeling with regard to, for example, integrity, procreation, or STD transmission.

The right to choose in the sexual arena begins with partner selection, and whether there will be one at all. The reality that between 34-46 million people are living with HIV/AIDS indicates the truth about people's choices, despite what many would claim about how they live and who they are. Globally there were between 4.2-5.8 million people newly infected in 2003, so there are definitely some people to whom what I am discussing here is very relevant.

Among my friends, one of the consistent patterns I have witnessed in their relationships is the total lack of thinking about partner selection, even when offspring was the result. It seems that time and again people settle for less and then wonder why they don't get more. The extreme consequences of disconnecting judgment from sexuality seem so obvious that I am amazed that the patriarchal myths still have so much influence. I blame this largely on the trend of making thinking "unsexy". Commercials, mainstream movies, television, music, and the deluge of input from the Internet are all mission-driven to titillate by employing the most superficial elucidation which, combined with the passive acceptance of the audience, almost invites the spoon feeding of skewed truths. It is an attempt to package sexuality in terms of everything that is superficial, involving only surface seeing, feeling, and experiences.

Ironically, many of the purveyors of pleasure and everything that's supposed to be hedonistic and liberating end up echoing the usual divisions between the "serious" and the non-serious, between thinking and feeling, between thought and pleasure. One of the most obvious manifestations of this has been the elevation of celebrities to demi-gods. Would everyone cease knowing how to dress themselves, without celebrity wardrobes to mimic? Would we stop knowing what it means to have fun, to find and achieve sexual pleasure, without advertising? Would we have no idea of how to relate to each other, or how to choose not to relate, if that is where our sense and instincts lead us? I for one, think we'd all manage just fine. Think how many emotional calamities (romantic and otherwise) could be avoided if issues that are so often defined as "non-sexual" (integrity, honor, political judgment) were a part of the sexual evaluation criteria.

It may seem like an unfashionable thing to talk about, but I will continue to point to this truth...Thinking is sexy. Which makes issues like honor, integrity, and politics sexy, too. All those repressive ideas that pigeonhole human experiences into what is fun and what is staid are actually the heart of the idea that thinking is "unsexy". Waking up to that may make us realize just how much the dominant myths about "pure feeling and pleasure" are based on distortions and disconnects that are far from fashionable.

Are You Relationship Ready?   Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?   

Are You Relationship Ready?

So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the singles scene

and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?

Not necessarily.

So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says. You are adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.

How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics you need to have or acquire in order to be ready for true love?

There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to assess your present state of readiness.

1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.

You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already addressed and resolved them.

As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship.

If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support group.

An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.

2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?

If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain.

For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?

Can you state your most deeply held values?

Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?

Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?

Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?

Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.

How do you see yourself?

How do others see you?

Remember you present different selves:

at work

with family

with friends

in gatherings with acquaintances

If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.

3. Are your past relationships really in the past?

If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present and future relationships in order to relive and resolve them.

Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately with any significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional dynamics you may have contributed to.

If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then deal with that leftover issue.

4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?

We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the right relationship for you.

Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.

Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and cannot live without.

You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose the right one for you.

Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before you enter into a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.

Are You Relationship Ready?   Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?   

Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married but I'm not happy. I just got divorced and I don't want to make the same mistake again. When will I find someone? It occurred to me recently that in order to be in a relationship that works, it's necessary to be ready to enter one. I know that sounds really simple, but if we look at our national divorce rate, you can see that it is not simple. In fact, I seriously doubt that many people consider their readiness for marriage or relationship of any sort. I think the average scenario goes something like this. He is attracted to how she looks. She is attracted to his energy and productivity. They start dating and eventually she thinks it might be a good idea to get married. He goes along because he is sure it's going to get him regular sex and then all their friends and relatives get excited about their wedding. They have a big celebration and then they start to realize there is more to marriage than living together. Please forgive me for the offensive simplification of this scenario. It is merely an illustration.

My awareness heightened when I began working with clients who were in a state of chaos. They were in various stages of post relationship survival. Their finances were in a shambles. Some were broken hearted, with no self-esteem, out of work, wondering what to do about their rent and utilities payments and seeking coaching about their relationships. Many, I think, were planning on having a new relationship rescue him/her from impending disaster. I started to think about parameters for readiness in relationship. What specific standards and status should be the baseline? What exactly constitutes readiness? What is definite is that nothing is definite. So where do we start?

First is desire. The desire to be part of something is manifested in relationship. You can't be "in" relationship unless you want to be. Partnership demands a serious time commitment, one on one conversations, planning, dating, socializing, compromising, making love, having sex, playing, working, sleeping, having children and raising them, shopping, cleaning house. Granted, some of these things you would do even if you were not in relationship. However, once you are seriously committed, as in living together, every one of the above -mentioned tasks involves agreement and participation by both partners.

Even prior to living together, finding someone you are willing to try being in relationship with is practically a full time job. So many of the people that I talk with in my work, tell me, I just don't have the energy to go through the process of dating and getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable being authentic and intimate. Don't you agree that many people settle for what they have, even if unsatisfying, because it's just too much work to change it?

Those that I have coached all the way to marriage and beyond have been serious about getting married. They wanted it, they were willing to do whatever it takes to find and enroll the right partner. They also do whatever it takes to maintain the level of passion and intimacy, production and appetite that are necessary to sustain a healthy, vibrant, satisfying relationship. In other words, they do not assume that once you are in a "marriage" or "committed relationship" that IT will take care of itself.

One seemingly unrelated concept that has forever been an annoyance has to do with loan applications. Bear with me on this. Whenever you submit a loan or credit application, the first response of the lender is to check your credit and your financial picture. If it appears that you need money for any reason, the likelihood of approval for financing is almost nil. However, if you appear financially stable with plenty of unused credit and a steady job and money in savings, every financial institution is clamoring to lend you money. So how does this relate?

It is my opinion, that love and relationship operate in the same way. Let's say you go to the love bank and ask for a boyfriend/girlfriend, a serious one perhaps leading to marriage. The love bank manager takes a look at you and says. You work too much, you spend all of your money, your credit cards are maxed-out, you have diminished self esteem and a broken heart from the last one, you're physically and emotionally bankrupt, and you don't trust anyone. REJECTED!!! Now, you are really in need of someone to save you so you continue looking at all of the B and C rated love lenders, bars, pick up joints, work, internet dating services, personal ads until you find someone who is as needy as you are. You need someone to rebuild your self-esteem and reassure you that you are indeed lovable.

WRONG!!!!!

Although I have never been fond of credit reporting agencies and the use of their information by lending institutions, there is some validity in their strategy that is applicable to relationship coaching. In order to be ready for a serious relationship, one must achieve the following:

1. Desire to be in relationship

2. Self - esteem. Know that you are attractive and have something to offer another person.

3. Financial stability. At least enough income to take care of your housing and basic needs and minimal credit card debt.

4. Work. A job that satisfies some of your achievement needs.

5. Vulnerability. Enough healing that you are able to share your authentic self with this person.

6. Love. An abundance for yourself with enough left over to share with another person.

I am not saying that you must be in perfect shape. What I am saying, however, is that you will attract a person who is your balance, someone who has the same or different issues in the same proportions. If you are needy, you will attract neediness. If you have intimacy issues you will attract someone who is shut down. So it is in your best interests to undertake a personal redevelopment plan prior to looking for a relationship. Be the best you that you can be to offer to another person. This seems to be a great way to start the new year. Funny, how it usually happens that someone who has been taking extraordinary care of themselves and not looking for a relationship suddenly finds him/herself in love.

Relationship coaching is life coaching. Life becomes extraordinary when we discover that being absolutely committed to taking care of ourselves, leads to abundance in every aspect of our lives.

Are You Relationship Ready?   Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?